Wal-Mart shopping moment

Good Morning,

This weekend I achieved a feet in a Wal-Mart shopping aisle that I believe would be hard to top. If it's not my life's most embarrassing moment it's close...

I will try to describe in words but you may need a visual so please grab something small and handy like your cell phone and pretend that it's a cart.

I was rolling smoothly down the soda pop aisle with an empty cart. I'd just spent the past 4 hours wheelchair ADVENTURING...so i was tired but the exercise in my legs felt good. I'm not a light pop drinker. I'm a heavy user so I needed to pick up a 12 pack. I considered the 2 liter...but again that's simply not enough! I'm pretty proud of all my "power lifting" at the gym so I stopped my cart and saddled up next to the towering stack. I steadied, braced, and grabbed the carton...after assessing proper hand hold and solid foot plant. I turned pivoted and heaved!--much like I've seen the Strongman do on TV. The course of my trajectory rang true. The cartoon cleared the cart and soon landed harshly against the wire bottom.

I only had a moment to celebrate...the momentum had been too strong. I too followed the carton into the cart. Now check your "cart" (the cell phone). I was about half way down the side, belly over the edge, behind in the air. "Oh no!" I thought. "This is not good!" I instinctively threw my arms out and forced my feet to the ground. With all my might I grabbed the push end of the cart with one hand and threw great force at the side of the cart with my other hand. I also walked my legs to try to get my center of gravity underneath me. In sum total, if Newton (Sir Isaac) could assess he'd say "yes, don't do this." The result was that I was making a slow slide across the aisle....much like a football player pushing a blocking sled.

This only served to confuse the Wal-Mart public. A lady who spoke broken English approached...slooowed...and passed. I knew I needed help but I couldn't quite figure out how to ask. My comfort being that as soon as I made it all the way across the aisle I would land against something solid and regroup. This woman who spoke the broken English found herself smack dab in the midst of a moral dilemma. "Do I go back and help this person?" or "Do I pretend I didn't see her and she doesn't want my help?" Whatever her thoughts she was a single person coming across the scene of an accident. She confirmed what decades of Social psychology would predict...she returned to the scene and tried to help!

but first she asked "do you needs ah help?"

I said. "um yes, please."

she nodded.

I asked if she could stop the cart from moving.

she nodded.

Now here's what I need you to do. Once again get out your cell phone. Lay it flat with rectangle, long sides top and bottom and the short sides at the ends. This is your "cart." Now put one finger bottom left corner the other finger top right and sloooowly push. You should get the "cart" slowly pirouetting in a circle...

(She had provided her stopping force at my pivot point).

Uh-huh and this is what I did in the middle of the aisle at Wal Mart on a Saturday afternoon. Although still a bit embarrassed, I am also weirdly satisfied at having eventually breached this gulf in communication and later purchasing 2 gallons of milk with no further incidents.

Happy Monday.

Amanda
Come Again!

Mom I'm Bored...

Good Morning,

It was the first day of Spring!...a cold and snowy weekend here. The kind that makes me appreciate Natalie Merchant's songs about maidenly women gone crazy on the prairie and mourning widowers renouncing life...

so...

I was working quietly at my desk when I heard this (the commercial for the Shoedini...shoe + Houdini)

https://www.tryshoedini.com/

Here's what happens when one is trapped inside on a snow day with cable TV and some creativity. I'm calling it the Canetini (a cane with a teeny tiny assistive attachment on the end : )

Shoedini meets the Canetini from Amanda Vallo on Vimeo.

Happy Monday,

Amanda

CPR Certified!

Good Morning,

Last week after a few good romps on the floor with Recessa-Annie I became CPR and First Aid certified! In my training I learned, in order to be protected under the Good Samaritan laws, I must obtain consent before administering care. Since I figure many of you are the folks I might need to administer to I just figure there are a couple important things you should be aware of before giving me the "go ahead..."

If you need CPR for a heart related condition

1. please pass out with right arm extended so I can put you in the recovery position (on your side with one arm extended underneath head, other arm folded across chest, and legs lined up, top leg bent at 90...and roooolll...wheewh).

2. If you are unconscious on the floor, i will want to spend the first 5min. rubbing your shoulder uttering "I'm soooo, sorry..." THEN I will check for signs of life.

3. Please DO NOT have any communicable diseases. I will only make whistle noises on your face when blowing through the safety mask.

If you are choking...

4. I will not be able to support your body weight when going down, but i promise to deliver a "pile driver" elbow to your back when we land (that'll get the food morsel up and a lung...).

5. when lying on your back on the floor, please jut your own jaw forward. that little number is a tricky little test in manual dexterity.

6. there will be no finger sweeping. again, (if you think this unfair) please keep in mind one, manual dexterity and two...you will probably soon be vomiting on me (as i roll you into the recovery position...wheewh)

If you need First Aid...

7. If you break your arm, i can fashion you a sling with my kerchief BUT you might have to tie it

8. again, please DO NOT have any communicable diseases. i can get my disposable gloves off ONLY touching the inside ONLY if i can rub and touch on many outside surfaces...table tops, chair backs, neighbors' shirts...

9. if you have heat exhaustion or have fallen into a frozen pond. please be prepared to take your own clothes off...unless you are HOT and then i'll give it my best...(oops did i just say that out loud? : )

and

10. please no burns (2nd or 3rd degree), cuts with embedded objects, bones sticking through the skin requiring immobilization and soft splinting OR bee stings where I have to walk rapidly to retrieve your epi-pen.

yep, just need the thumbs up!

Happy Monday,

Amanda "Flo" Nightingale
"pioneering nurse, writer, and hip hop dancer"

...because the world needs more chair dancing

Good Morning,

For anyone who doubts the power of words...

My Fishing Buddy Bill has been released from the hospital and agreed to take up residence in a "rehabilitation facility" while undergoing a round of 20 radiation treatments.

I guarantee this neeeever would have happened had someone used the words "nursing home" (i.e. the actual translation of "rehabilitation facility").

anyway...

another word i need to throw out there this morning? stinky. As in this year the Michigan Wolverines are stinky. I am a loyal fan but i do think the following joke is funny.

*for the non-sports people, Michigan has only won 3 games this year and lost to Toledo...who has won only 2. it is OSU-Michigan week. there is a BIG rivalry game to be played in Columbus next weekend.


[Columbus Ohio sports talk radio...1460 The Fan]

caller: "Did you hear they canceled the game next weekend?"

announcer: "no."

caller: "yeah, we've heard Michigan can't get past Toledo."

(okay of you still don't get it. Ann Arbor, MI is about a 4hr. bus ride from C-bus...through Toledo).

oooo, ouch. yes this hurts.

SO, with all the troubles going on in the world these days Mitty and I decided to do out part Saturday night to raise happiness awareness. We held a "Saturday Night Dance Party!"...with two attendees. : )

Get ready for some meeeean chair-dancing : ).



feel free to cop my moves : ).

happy monday.

A-lo & Mitty Mix-a-lot

p.s. *warning to the young ones. FloRida's lyrics are EXPLICIT. cover your ears.

deflopping my creative muscle

Good Morning,

I was having dinner with my friend Martine, last week. Martine is a spirited, middle-aged woman from Belgium. As the conversation turned to the larger social sphere, I learned a new word. Martine shared with me how she had nursed her ailing mother back to health this summer and that things were okay because in Europe the (social) system is more "deflopped."

deflopped sounded bad but the context suggested that it was good.

I later learned that in French the word developed is pronounced developee (de ve lop pay) which through a mouth full of hummus in a Mediterranean restaurant can sound an awful lot like deflopped.

"Martine? Did you say deflopped?"

She turned, delighted but confused by my question. "Deflopped? No, eh..." she laughed, "developed...no, no Amandah in French, we say developee..."

This morning, to my ear, the word is still deflopped. : )

1. deflopped- (adj. de flopped) the meaning is negative. It means miserable, without hope.

e.g. In America, the economic system is deflopped. The social system is pretty deflopped too.

i guess this leaves the positive alternative...flopped.

2. flopped- (adj. flopped) full of promise, great optimism and hope.

e.g., I like Barack Obama because he's flopped. or...after work today i'm going to the gym to flop my muscles! (okay, it does not work in all situations).

my, uh, point?

I like new words. I've been deflopping my creative muscle lately and would like to offer up some neologisms (yes, i had to look that word up).

According to the on-line American Dictionary, neologisms are:

1. A new word, expression, or usage.
2. The creation or use of new words or senses.

What I've come up with are:

Neurological neologisms- words from my recent airport travel

McSquishy- (Mick Squishy) the taxi driver who quickly manages to get the wheelchair into the trunk (he has to squishy something to get the tires in)

Stuffication- the feeling you get when trapped next to a very chatty Danish woman on a business trip

Colostophobia- what you experience when she shares a little too much after her second glass of wine

Tipping- what you are NOT supposed to do in your sporty wheelchair but rather the money you give to the transport people

Toddlerizing- when security refers to all of your travel companions or friends as your mother...

Dope Pushers- usually young African American men (i'm just saying...these are the guys who get these jobs. the Biffs and Bradley's of the world are carrying bags at The Club). they are strong and full of too much energy. it comes out in ways such as...giving you, in the wheelchair, one GIIIIIANT PUSH...standing back, and then running after you to catch up before you stop and/or hit something...you know like a person, or a wall.

okay, and a few more from the grocery store parking lot (it was a long week)

Ass halted- when you get your ass halted by a stranger, usually well-meaning, who unapologetically grabs, pats, pulls or pokes you in the name of Jesus

BooBooism- closely related to toddlerizing this is when you ask someone with a SCI when is it going to get better? (hint: it's probably not)

Gohomeopathetic medicine- a phrase i would like to coin for anyone who wants to stick mudpacks on me

Hoprah- actually her name was Cathy but she had Hope and the self-assured vision of Oprah

Shamens- to me the equivalent of the biblical lepers. someone to be stayed away from but loved...people who view a disability or SCI as a shame and then promise you healing through prayer...and amens!

Noseyological research- this is similar to nosological research

(*nosology-The branch of medicine that deals with the classification of diseases.

*noseyology- the branch of human interest that seeks to define and understand disabled people in public).

I find it okay when someone's doing noseyological research one-on-one or at an in-private level but in the parking lot at Krogers it's off-putting.

When someone starts a conversation with

"How are you? I see you a lot. Do you have…MS? Is it CP?"

I know they are doing noseyological research.


Anyway,

I'd like to end with an example story to sum up, to see if you can identify or apply some of these terms BUT...I think this is probably enough "entercation" (entertainment and education) for one day... : )

Happy Monday,

Amanda : )

Head of Noseyological Research at the Institute of Wobbly People
in Columbus, OH
1-800-WHY-ME?? (toll free)
1-800-TOO-SEXY (fax)