Good Morning,
One of my favorite things to do is to listen to something called the "Audiodharma" (on iTunes). Each week different speakers give an informal talk on some Buddhist concept or principle. I, in a very unbuddha-like manner, enjoy critiquing the speakers and providing my own answers during the question and answer sessions.
As a result of this listening, I've challenged myself to uh, explore a concept and write about it. I realize this does NOT mean I also have to share or subject others to it but...I guess or believe I'm kind of wired that way...kind of a mental diarrhea of sorts. Below are my unfiltered thoughts on the concept of generosity. I've tried to be brief. My intent? to promote one's own mindfulness. Always a good thing.
Happy Monday,
Amanda
“Bodhisattva Amandala?”
yes?
“I've noticed in my own practice that after awhile it’s easier to give. It’s harder to receive. I'd be interested to hear any of your thoughts on this.”
(hmm, after a moment of quiet reflection)
You can learn a lot from people who receive well.
To receive well you have to have an open heart and live a real or authentic life. If we do not or fear that we do not we will be “HORRIBBLY” (over dramatizing) exposed the moment gift giving occurs.
Example?
Remember the last time someone said “I will love anything you give me…” so you gave a sweater or favorite book of poetry and when they opened it (BIG) frown…oh this was not money well spent.
The receiver then may have tried to cover with a smile and saying something like “I love it!”
So you cried and ran to your room…no, no, no.
In this instance how did you feel?
Like crap. Everyone felt like crap.
Across a wide number of academic disciplines scientists have studied this. It’s called the “Oh shit!” phenomenon. I can only speak to the discipline I am most familiar with…psychology.
Cognitive psychologists have been able to show that during communication we convey what are called microexpressions. Our emotional or feeling thoughts are recorded and expressed ever so briefly in the tiny muscles of the face.
So, in this example, regardless of the receiver’s cover-up efforts both parties register and experience the underlying emotion thus…”oh shit.”
The giver goes "oh shit what have I done?"
The receiver-cannot hide that in fact they were hoping for jewelry and more sadly they reeeally don't get you, the giver, which makes them feel shitty…oh shit.
In contrast, you can think of examples of authentic receiving, what we all aspire to receiving with the open heart.
Watch a grandma accept a macaroni noodle picture frame, or pine cone paperweight from her grandchild that’s an open heart
When I was on a month long retreat in Burma I had my own experience with receiving. What? Oh…Mitty says I was NOT in Burma but rather at Dodd Hall Rehabilitation Center.
I had been struggling with a particular part of my practice as the leader of the traumatic brain injury group I co-lead. A big adult man named Matthew would come to visit every Thursday at the center with a pocket full of fuzzy candy. Sometimes the candies were mints, sometimes a partially opened butterscotch or toffee. Matthew brought enough for everyone in the group. At first, I didn’t know what to do when offered the fuzzy candy…didn’t know whether to take it or politely decline. (I’m not averse to sweets but I don’t like lint). For weeks I struggled saying things like “No, not today Matthew. I just licked the bottom of my desk” or “Oh thanks Matt but I’m chewing a piece of gum I got off the window pane in the break room.”
My point? Matthew fuzzy candy was not in the dharma text or the glossary of my TBI resource guidebooks. I did not have time to meditate for hours or go on retreat. Luckily I…watched a friend receive the fuzzy treats with an open heart and followed suit. She said, “Oh, sure, thank you Matt.” Oh yes, it was that simple and instead of the tightening of my butt, I felt a release...in my armpit, (okay, I felt a release in my soul).
I always accepted the fuzzy candy after that. Not because I wanted to eat it but because it was a simple way to honor who Matt was (a giver) and celebrate this moment of self-expression
Cough cough cough…gulp gulp gulp water.
And when I opened my heart like this I experienced the joy in receiving.
(There are always muffled questions I can’t hear on the Podcast. What the microphone does always pick up is the coughing and the speaker’s water break).
(after a muffled question…)
“What is life like for me today outside of the DRC (Dodd Rehabilitation Center)?”
Today, in my life post hospital patients at Dodd Hall, I’ve found it’s easier to
shut down and not risk finding out which I am; an authentic person or someone who has deluded themselves into saying one thing and feeling another.
I’ve had to realize I am human and like most others I am quick to look past the gift and jump directly to thanking.
OR I will minimize the gift making it something financial or write it off to social conditioning…not seeing it for what it really is an act of kindness, generosity, a piece of their heart (NOT in a literal or self-constituting kind of way).
“Anymore questions? Yes, Rainbow?”
Rainbow’s Q:
During the guided meditation I noticed when I received the small gift there was this sense of freeing but when I received the large gift there was this sense of owing something to someone…like I had to earn it. Bodhisattva Amadala I was just wondering what it is like for you when you try to receive gifts?
“What’s it like when I do try to receive gifts?
We’ll have to keep this to small acts of generosity. Large ones…hives.
Mostly my insides become a mushy mess and I can’t say anything. I smile hoping they don’t realize I’m about to melt into the floor or how I’m trying not to lay down on the floor, hold my head and hope it doesn’t explode.
Right now I’m learning to go with the excitement and joy of it all and say “YAY!!!” not the most sophisticated of responses…but it’s small steps.
Day by day.
Anyway, again, Happy Monday.
Amanda
