Passing It On

Good Morning,

You may have noticed there was no Monday Morning News from me last week.

i like to write authentically so i thought i'd share why...i assure you i am doing well and miss mitty is administering extra TLC : )

meditative monday,

amanda

p.s. these thoughts were written in an e-mail to a friend (hi Eva : ).

Passing It On

Two nights ago my "fishing buddy" bill transitioned or left us or died (however you want to say it). i had been in Vermont with friends when i got the call that it was pretty close. when i returned home on Monday, i went to see him and basically hung on every breath...i couldn't help but stare at what cancer had left of his body...so so thin, just bones and skin...

i went back Tuesday night and found my rhythm sitting there with bill. we watched "Wheel of Fortune" together and i talked to him like old times. i told him about the Vermonter who tried to drive his pickup truck across the frozen lake and uh didn't make it (all good fishermen know the difference between late February and March ice!) and my breakfast order at the local inn because i knew he would smile...my order never changes.

anyway, Wednesday night was different. i noticed the breathing again and how even over the course of a day it had become more irregular. more jagged and restricted to the upper chest. Bill's oldest son Billie was there. Billie is a medic (EMT) so i took him at his word when he said "it's real close...". i was real scared so my "brave" thing to do was to get up and leave!!! i waited awhile maybe 20 minutes passed before i stood to leave. knowing this would probably be the last time i would see Bill i went over to the bed and gently rubbed his wrist. i winced a little remembering the tiny IV needless that leave little purple bruises...then i moved up to the head of the bed and gently put my hand on his forehead. Bill no longer looks like Bill so gaunt, a goatee full of white whiskers, and only half a buzz haircut left on his head. i started to bend down to gently press my lips on his forehead when...Bill finally stopped breathing. I thought "oh no, i just
killed Bill!" Even in these moments, i could recognize the humor of the situation. i had not stuffed a pillow over his face or pinched his nose shut and covered his mouth...physically the gentle human touch does not kill...unless it's a fingertip pressing the panic button in the oval office...hmm, anyway

what i'm trying to say is minutes later the nurse came in and confirmed what Billie had said...Bill's done. sadness is that feeling when you realize your fishing buddy bill is gone...

I sat back down in the hard backed wooden chair and cried. cried that silent deep hold your head in your hands cry. culturally, i found it interesting the way we grieve in our country. for the most part, we hold it in and try to be polite about it. funny the feeling might be to beat the chest and wail...there was no one else in the entire Hospice House except the nurses...but even then at this hour we tried to hide and muffle our hearts sobs. I watched as Bill's closest friends and family arrived. Bill had died in Bud's shirt. Bud told me this after he cried those guiltless tears on it (those i think only the dearest and most trusted best friend can shed). I watched as Bud of Popeye build held Billie in an embrace that supported this indestructible fireman/Strongman competitor...

I wanted to say thank you to Bill for giving me this moment. where strength crumbles and the body...

no, no it was more poignant than that...

he showed me how even the most polished or fortified exteriors can crumble or crash when hearts are touched. Grown men can cry like babies. Angry sons can lose it in sadness. That is "the angry" is gone and the invisible sadness finally appears in its place...


later standing out in the hall, i talked to Bill's only brother Gary. Gary has the craggy appearance of a farmer and the slow measured responses of a cowboy. We shared a moment comforting each other reassuring ourselves that we'd done everything we could in these last few months...

still guilt remains. Gary who's spent countless hours at Bill's bedside throughout the last few days couldn't help but wish he'd been there for his brother at the very last breath.

i described for him the best i could what he'd missed. i think this is a very male thing to do. the male brain wants the facts, details, what parts of the machine that gave out...i told him how Billie (a paramedic)- had said "see how breathing is restricted more to his chest? I’d be surprised if he’s here this time tomorrow. It’s getting close..."

we laughed but with Bill how close is close? there really is no way of knowing deaths exact timing...well unless you watch someone stick their head in a lit box a dynamite...Bill’s as tough as nails. He’s been enduring like this for weeks. Like he’d built up a weird stamina for pain. So much so his mind and body had no concept of letting go even if it would end suffering...

i can't go so far as to say Bill is in a better place. i did not know him as a religious or spiritual man. i know he is out of pain. i know bill is done. he has friends who honor and esteem him for his honesty, patience, craftsmanship, and a generosity that we will always seek to model and carry forward...bill would like this.

okay, last thing. in tribute, i've picked out a song i think Bill would really like. it's my hope for him right now.

love you Bill

http://homepage.mac.com/amv12/iMovieTheater55.html

The Cardinals-Carl & Bernice...

Good Morning,

I woke up the other morning feeling very "pithy" (similar to pissy i think yet much more mindful...). The following words from the Buddha kept running through my head:

BE YOUR OWN TEACHER

"...don't go by scripture, logical conjecture, probability, [the idea] this is my teacher therefore must be true...

when you know for yourself that qualities are harmful then you should abandon them. if you know for yourself qualities evoke happiness or lessen your suffering, then you should do more of them."

so i picked up my morning poison (Diet Cherry Pepsi) and thought yeaah...i bet this's not good.

after a long swig i decided, i understand this when it comes to going inside to act in the world in ways that are more generous and kind for ourself...

but what i don't understand is how this can help "us" (the BIG us) in making some of the difficult ethical decisions facing the human condition. for example, how is the President supposed to know when life really begins so he can make a spiritually informed decision on embryonic stem cell research?

Then...i just had to go lay down...

when i got back up to start my day, i started over. instead of feeding the struggles in my head i listened to that calmer inner voice...you know Mitty (the kitty) sayin "hey look all i want is my food!"

anyway, instead of rushing through the morning routine as usual, i decided to capture what is good, whole and complete within it...although the video footage is crummy, here is something i hope speaks to the many positive restful moments to your week.

http://homepage.mac.com/amv12/iMovieTheater54.html

Happy Monday.

Amanda

p.s. I've asked Mr.& Mrs. Cardinal go by Carl and Bernice : )

p.p.s. this might also be an omen. consider Louisville Cardinals for your NCAA brackets! on with the "Madness!!!" : )

more "off the hook" disability dancing : )

Good Morning,

well, still no word back from the Rachel Maddow Show...guess my hip hop correspondent position is filled. no worries. after watching an episode of my second new fav show "America's Best Dance Crew!" i was inspired to make my own "off the hook" video!



move or styles of the week:

Tutting- movements done mostly with hands and arms. notice straight lines and clear angles that i will then "pop and lock" into the harsh and severe Egyptian poses!

Waving- movement initiated at the distal end of one arm passed through to the other arm ending again at the digits. notice i will initiate from the TORSO a BURST of energy...in a controlled rippling (not jiggling) fluttering of the arms!

Krumping- angry dancing! Movements are high to low. Arm swings often look as if reaching out to grab the world and beat it against the chest! notice i will be krumping mostly in ATTITUDE. good krumping is in the face!


word up!

Happy Monday,

Amanda "Alo"
AMPD
America's Most Persistent Dancer : )

excessive thought or Rachel Maddow Show correspondent

Good Morning,

The other weekend my good friend Toney was in town for a visit. Toward the end of a nice lunch together I thought I would impress him with the skyrocketing leaps i've made in my political world. For the past month or two, I have been listening to the Rachel Maddow Show on my iPod!...

Toney gently informed me this is not a balanced presentation if I’m looking for the truth in politics i should consider NPR as a news source.

I told him yes, but this is not as fun. My way I get to kick back in my lounger, swizzle my glass a gin, and laugh as my views are either crammed into my crossword

“thou shalt not ___."

or

hear them delivered with insight and playfully cutting wit.

okay, and secretly, i could not admit that mostly i like to listen because i often imagine myself the lost correspondent to the Rachel Maddow Show. Seeing as I do not like to wear anything with a purposeful crease in it my area of expertise would be professor of hip hop!

As you can imagine, my specialty is lightly used on such a show. I was about ready to throw in the towel on my hopes and aspirations when real life which in truth is stranger and funnier than fiction happened.

The following Rachel Maddow moment downloaded and played into my earbudded head.

Rachel spoke with a Harvard media studies scholar about the Republican Party's image overhaul--they've gone hip hop! it is thought President Obama used his "cool" factor to gain advantage with the Black and Latin American voters through a shared brotherhood or hip hop sensibilities? (word up!)

I find this argument funny (as well as sad) for many reasons. not the least of which is reducing Black & Hispanic Ams to simple stereotypes. I imagined Rachel had to then turn to me--the hip hop expert for levity.

"Yes Rachel...

although President Obama is undeniable cool he is not hip hop. I can use my many hours of musically aided running (listening to Lil Wayne, T.I., Young Boosie...) to support this.

Here are just a few of the reasons why President Obama is not hip hop.

He's not referring to his female companion (his wife) as my bitch, ho, or hood rat.

He doesn’t refer to his posse as “goons” or certain members of the cabinet as "my niggas"

i've never heard him pounding the stump yellin "Grillz baby Grillz!" (if you remember "Drill Baby Drill" was the slogan used to incite audience to orgasmic frenzy at the GOP Convention)

Rachel would laugh her funny laugh here.

also,

he does not seem concerned which dolla bill hid...excuse me i mean his face is going to be on

and most important

we have not heard a thing about his d—k. i.e., we know nothing about its size or what he plans to do with it.

back to you Rachel!"

Rachel: thank you alo, again that's a-lo our hip hop corespondent!

my point? i'm pretty sure it wasn't these qualities that brought many Black and Latin American voters to the polls.

Funnier (and scarier) still the next day i learned about the man recently selected to lead the Republican Party. GOP Chairman Michael Steele plans to attract younger voters, especially Blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party's principles to "urban-suburban hip-hop settings."

Michale Steele a "brother" himself is not sounding "so hood."

He said these plans are going to be "off the hook!"

i decided with such posturing going on Rachel would have to ask me back!

"Alo" hip hop expert:

Yes Rachel, I'm not sure Mr. Steele wants to open himself up to Lil Wayne as a running mate. If you can recall from one of my previous MMN e-mails here are just a few of "Weezy Baby's" campaign promises: put the cocaine back in Coke, support the use of steroids in baseball, legalize weed, and put an end to child support...it might make him popular in Atlanta where the Coca Cola Co. (word up!) headquarters, but the Republicans already seem to have a strong hold in the South.

Rachel: ahhh have a Coke and a smile...thanks again alo!

my point?

again, in short, the amount of desired public relations boost Mr. Steele and this "hip hop" campaign might have among the desired electorate is probably minimal.

further

i'd like to offer that in order to reach ALL people they (Republican leaders) might try to identify the following qualities within themselves and promote the heck out of that...

5 Reasons I admire the President

1. If I told him this joke he would get it.

“If sitting long enough was the point, then chickens would be enlightened.”

2. He does not apologize for making good sense.

3. He makes a point to understand the words he uses. (e.g. stimulus)

when criticized for having a stimulus bill that emphasized spending ...President Obama cleverly mocked

"I get the argument [from people] 'this is not a stimulus bill it is a spending bill.' What do you think a stimulus is? That’s the whole point! No seriously that’s the point." to stimulate.

4. He dances…and can concede his wife is the better dancer

5. He seems willing to ram his head into a wall a couple times in the attempt to do what makes best sense for the greater good. In this way he models/demonstrates patience each time he comes back to reach out to the Republicans after getting the metaphoric cold shoulder or hand slapped away.

okay, peace and love from my square office.

Happy Monday,

Amanda

p.s. if you'd like to hear how this sounds in audio i recorded it.
http://homepage.mac.com/amv12/iMovieTheater53.html