a trip to the Kansas DMV

Good Morning,

I hope I can safely say no matter how unfortunate your day is looking it does not hold in store a trip to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles).

The DMV of Lawrence (KS) is located in a remote industrial looking strip mall area...

As soon as I set foot to the ground outside its doors, I saw no less than 12 people running for the door…okay, maybe not 12 but definitely enough to jam a turnstile...

I could not beat them each one taunting my slow, steady stumbly walk waving their fists full of forms as they passed…I saw these people hopping over the snow piles and tried to remember everything is as it should be.


KANSAS DEPARTMENT OF REVENUE

(from the website...)

There isn't a good time to visit one of the DMV offices on Tuesday or Friday, but if you must, earlier is better…7am

It was a Tuesday and I was 4 hours too late.

The government is not known for its decorating and the Kansas office is no different. I made my way into the queue and stood staring at the gray expanse of wall in front of me painted in that eerie color that can only be described as finger smudge.

The decor registered the barest of essentials…a KU Pride Jayhawk hanging from cubicle divider particle board, a “Buckle Up!” poster and a bathroom key anchored to a piece of wood about the size of a fire log…

There was an older woman at the counter with a doctor’s note explaining she got dizzy and passed out occasionally.

The woman taking an inexplicably long time next to her…had a son who was not yet a citizen but needed to pass his driver’s test…I don’t know all the rules but there are many…

The Lawrence DMV is a branch office. There are three windows, and as is required attended by two workers at any one time--the third there to perpetually frustrate otherwise yogi citizens with the “next window please” sign prominently displayed. I held my breath and watched the old lady take her eye exam…

I had made my way to the front of the line. With pride I stood as the man with the plastic bag full of court documents next to me had been too weak to withstand the demands of an aching back, a charley horse, or tight schedule. He had given up and called it a day.

I watched the old woman pose for her picture. There will be two remarkable features in her driver’s license. First, she will have proof she is from the Sunflower state. She had a large yellow sunflower badge or sticker stuck to her chest. She will also have a Cheshire cat grin. Her eyes squinted, and corner’s of her smile turned up then down.

I should have known then as he snapped the photo…“Oh this is good! Good!" He said monitoring the digital photo on his screen and quickly shooing her on through…

“Ma’am here’s you temporary card. The official one will be mailed out to you and you should receive it in 5-10 business days. It’ll look like junk mail. Don’t throw it away!”

Next, my turn.

Unlike the frowns and empty voices I’ve encountered at the Ohio BMV, this man was with it and friendly.

We made light small talk as he took my proof of identification and clicked the routine clatter into the keyboard.

“Is this your maiden name or married name?”

This was the first time in many days I have been speechless. Uh, well, odd how this felt like my moment to openly declare myself…

Well,…I’m not very maidenly. I’m not married. What am I? “uh. that’s my name. it’s always been that.”

We smiled and stared at each other awkwardly agreeing to move on…

The eye exam!

Eye exam. People in Kansas must have extremely large heads…I had to lift my head side to side to see the illuminated screen. That is, when I pushed my forehead in I could see one side or the other…when I pushed harder I saw two screens superimposed…

“Okay can I have you read the third line down for me?” The nice man said.

“Well, uh…well?” I’m the type of person with anxiety. I lose words. I do not think ACTION! under such pressures.

“uh…” these were some very fuzzy looking rows!…

XKZRT (somethin’ something…) utyr..e?

“Okay, now slow down and focus.” I had missed one. There would be a strike two. “Could you read me those last letters on the right again?”

I moved my head to the right, pressed my head in harder. Felt the hotness build at my collar and at my temple a slowly forming bead of sweat…

“UTYRG yes, it’s a…G I see it! I see it!”

Okay. Nice job.

I passed!

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I also passed the literacy test to self-screen admitted drug users or felons.

There was a set of 8 questions to read silently, comprehend and answer aloud…

DO YOU OPERATE YOUR VEHICLE WHILE INTOXICATED?

Now who would answer yes? Anyway, for your future reference I would suggest answering this one no…

Finally, it was picture time…

At the Lawrence DMV they have the standard set up. The floor mat, the blue pull-down screen, the mounted camera with the trick flash and a gorilla poster to look at which did make me laugh.

Okay he said, “Hold that smile. Hold it. Hold it. Don’t blink…”

snap, snap! @#%$

"It looks great!" He smiled as he handed me what is now my temporary Kansas Driver’s License.

okay great. I’m outta here! Oh no wait!!!

It pains my heart that some things cannot be undone. Like bad poetry that gets stuck in your head to a good song or the knowledge of your parents in bed…some things just need to go…(see photo above) I will be walking around with this little number in my pocket on my official Kansas Driver’s License.

On the bright side, I’ve decided if I get pulled over for smoking weed, the officer might not notice. It's possibly the same expression : ).

okay, Happy Monday,

Amanda
"Sleepy Eyez" rappa girl coolin on the DL fo schizzle : )