Survival Techniques for Formal Occasions Part II

Good Morning,

If there’s one thing we can all agree on, I think it would be that we are entering the season of impossible gift giving. Memorial Day (minus its heartfelt significance) marks the arrival of the hapless gift giving Triumvirate: graduations, weddings, and Father’s Day... : (

so...

Last week I had a few survival tips to offer for your next formal occasion. This week I'd like to continue in this vein and offer some helpful gift giving guidance for formal occasions I've gathered from the Buddha.

I will then run my next gift "a toaster" through the criteria.

According to Buddha Teacher Gil & friends, giving a toaster falls under the realm of Generosity. The Buddha taught that "to be generous" is not simply to give money or material objects rather it is an act of will that includes sharing one's help, knowledge, forgiveness, and/or most importantly choosing to give the gift of one's meditation practice. (i personally think this one's kinda hokey but i like what it does for the pocket book).

Further, he taught that giving is a mutually formed relationship. It consists of the donor and the recipient. Within this relationship certain scripts have been formed that shape how the giving will occur. For example, if you give to a priest you are not likely to reach for the Hooters gift card. What will emerge if done correctly from your giving act is the enhancement of three qualities- trust, inspiration, and a greater sense of freedom.

In order to help us enhance this inner wealth, the Buddha gave us guidelines for gift giving...which I will not give to you at this time because I cannot remember them. Condensed into one thought they provide us the adage:

Seek and ye shall find! oops, no that's not it...Don't judge a book by its cover... noooo....

here it is! (i have been taking copious notes).

"the golden gift giving rule" give where you feel inspired to give.

There are also virtuous duties and responsibilities of the recipient like...

do not pressure, scheme or belittle the donor
show appreciation
use the gift in an upright way...

which hardly seem relevant to the act of giving a toaster : ).


okay, DINGGGGGgggggggggggggg

Time for the thought experiment.

Gift: a toaster
Occasion: a wedding
Giver: me
Recipient: Dad & Judy

Question: Is my toaster a fruitful gift?

Experiment: criteria for the Fruitful Giver:

Before giving you are glad. NO
While giving you are inspired. NO
After giving you feel gratification. MAYBE if i get to use it!

...and duties/responsibilities for the Recipient

Be free of passion. ?
Be free of aversion. ??
Be free of delusion. ?

*they're getting married so i suppose they're working on it.

Conclusion: I have not met the criteria therefore I am unable to give a material object at this time. Please accept my timely meditation.

Love,

Your Daughter,

Amanda

Happy Memorial Monday!

Survival Techniques for Formal Occasions

Good Morning,

Currently in the news we're hearing about prisoners subjected to torture…water boarding, wall sitting, confinement to boxes with bugs, sleep deprivation.

What we are not hearing about is a whole 'nother form of torture soon to be spreading to an awards ceremony or graduation near you--the overly self-important soul giving a speech. The other weekend I sat through a High School Coaches Hall of Fame banquet and listened to a man forsake concerns about ego and heartily hold forth for a solid hour.

Eyes-rolled, midsections buckled, sighs uttered...

"Tuff McMann" gripped the sides of the podium with both hands, his dark eyes gleaming beneath shaded glasses.

He told an almost touching story of how he introduced his son to basketball...

"I took the 4 year old to the dime store and brought him home with 10 pennies and a water gun. I lined up the pennies, spaced them out and told the boy to dribble and pick up each penny. If he made it to the end without losing the ball’s dribble, the boy would get his reward…a water gun I had placed at the end. The boy, never made it to the tenth penny...he wasn't a natural lefty and kicked the ball off his foot two times! Eventually the boy ended up playing for me in high school…where he earned his Varsity letter (and emotional scars?)"

Suffering continued as Tuff then shared in excruciating detail the layup drill and weave patterns of his tryout for the Freshman basketball team during college.

...How he'd later coached four benchwarmers and the team manager to victory when the stars had shown up at the tournament without ties and dress pants violating team dress code!

(When the hapless duo breathlessly made it to the venue, he turned them away. "Boys, you're forgetting another rule. Did you drive here yourselves?" "yes." "Well then I can't play you! Ohio law says only players who road the team bus are eligible!")

Tuff continued with powerful take home messages such as “WE CONQUERED NOB'S HILL!”

By this time I’d lost a tablemate. She had ventured a trip to the restroom and become stuck at the doorway. A man seated at the front of the room was now leaned over in his chair so far he had gone from knees to grabbing his ankles.

How do you stop someone who’s reveling in a lifetime of mental toughness and extra effort in practice?

I’ve consulted with a national championship speech coach (i.e. my girlfriend). Apparently, much good can be done with time cards and a stopwatch.

interesting...

We made funny fart noises from uncomfortable shifting on our vinyl seats, politely opened cell phones and tapped out S.O.S. cries to loved ones, some got up and went for coffee, others simply got up and wandered off never to be seen or heard from again…

Eventually someone named Don (a person of some authority) urgently began waving his arms in the back of the room and flailed the TIME OUT signal.

Tuff looked up and said “Alright Don but not before I tell one more story.” There was an audible "gasp" (oh shit!) that went up throughout the room.

I had joined the ankle grabber one table over and was trying contortionist techniques to relieve the pain that started with my foot and ended a smidge below my eye sockets.

Why am I telling this story? I cannot remember.

I just know when I die this is not how I want to be celebrated.

...to hold forth and have a pained audience reply PLEASE stop! let it go!!!

I do not believe this is how Tuff truly wanted to be celebrated either.

His last story was prophetic.

Tuff had inherited a team of misfits and turned them into State champions! One day he'd huddled with his players in the locker room to tell them the time had come for him to move on. The brawniest and most talented disengaged himself from the group and pointed at the coach "You can't leave!" Several of his teammates began to mob Tuff in a group hug to a chorus of Don't leave!

Sadly, now an equally pained audience replied "please quit hitting the microphone leave! leave! leave!"

Tuff finally walked away from the podium. He looked small, awkward, confused. He sat back down and faced the crowd. The pathetic claps died quickly. Tuff surrounded in wilting carnations stared out...

Oh no what have I just done?

My point?

Due to the intense nature of suffering sustained while banqueting, I would like to offer you some helpful survival tips for your next formal occasion.

I’ve run the above experience through the SERE program--a U.S. military training program in event of prisoner capture and reverse engineered some survival techniques.

Here is what I’ve culled.

make fart noises with your chair
go for frequent bathroom breaks
carry a First Aid kit for cramps, anaphylactic shock
experiment with different underwear (might wake you up a little)
apply a Breathe Right Snore strip
bring massage oils & get friendly with your neighbor

Lastly, videotape the windbag and send it to the government for a possible alternative to waterboarding.

and always always always have an exit strategy.

Happy Monday,

Amanda
SERE- Special Dutiest

"If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist!"

Project Photoshop Hair

Good Morning,

I received official word this weekend on what the men will be wearing at Morning Dad (aka simply Dad) and Judy's wedding. I don't want to spoil their fun so let me just say I will be standing among some dapper dudes. Now for my part, I've been told the color scheme is pink and encouraged to buy something I will perhaps wear again...maybe a walk for Breast Cancer t-shirt?

anyway, so today i have something special for you. Project Photoshop Runaway Hair!!!!

You have 4 choices which i will model for you...

Option #1- Lady Di Hair
Option #2- Sharon Stone Hair
Option #3- Anything from the What About Mary Collection
Option #4- Lady Gaga Hair

*keep in mind I will be styling my own wig! : )

Happy Monday

Amanda