Survival Techniques for Formal Occasions

Good Morning,

Currently in the news we're hearing about prisoners subjected to torture…water boarding, wall sitting, confinement to boxes with bugs, sleep deprivation.

What we are not hearing about is a whole 'nother form of torture soon to be spreading to an awards ceremony or graduation near you--the overly self-important soul giving a speech. The other weekend I sat through a High School Coaches Hall of Fame banquet and listened to a man forsake concerns about ego and heartily hold forth for a solid hour.

Eyes-rolled, midsections buckled, sighs uttered...

"Tuff McMann" gripped the sides of the podium with both hands, his dark eyes gleaming beneath shaded glasses.

He told an almost touching story of how he introduced his son to basketball...

"I took the 4 year old to the dime store and brought him home with 10 pennies and a water gun. I lined up the pennies, spaced them out and told the boy to dribble and pick up each penny. If he made it to the end without losing the ball’s dribble, the boy would get his reward…a water gun I had placed at the end. The boy, never made it to the tenth penny...he wasn't a natural lefty and kicked the ball off his foot two times! Eventually the boy ended up playing for me in high school…where he earned his Varsity letter (and emotional scars?)"

Suffering continued as Tuff then shared in excruciating detail the layup drill and weave patterns of his tryout for the Freshman basketball team during college.

...How he'd later coached four benchwarmers and the team manager to victory when the stars had shown up at the tournament without ties and dress pants violating team dress code!

(When the hapless duo breathlessly made it to the venue, he turned them away. "Boys, you're forgetting another rule. Did you drive here yourselves?" "yes." "Well then I can't play you! Ohio law says only players who road the team bus are eligible!")

Tuff continued with powerful take home messages such as “WE CONQUERED NOB'S HILL!”

By this time I’d lost a tablemate. She had ventured a trip to the restroom and become stuck at the doorway. A man seated at the front of the room was now leaned over in his chair so far he had gone from knees to grabbing his ankles.

How do you stop someone who’s reveling in a lifetime of mental toughness and extra effort in practice?

I’ve consulted with a national championship speech coach (i.e. my girlfriend). Apparently, much good can be done with time cards and a stopwatch.

interesting...

We made funny fart noises from uncomfortable shifting on our vinyl seats, politely opened cell phones and tapped out S.O.S. cries to loved ones, some got up and went for coffee, others simply got up and wandered off never to be seen or heard from again…

Eventually someone named Don (a person of some authority) urgently began waving his arms in the back of the room and flailed the TIME OUT signal.

Tuff looked up and said “Alright Don but not before I tell one more story.” There was an audible "gasp" (oh shit!) that went up throughout the room.

I had joined the ankle grabber one table over and was trying contortionist techniques to relieve the pain that started with my foot and ended a smidge below my eye sockets.

Why am I telling this story? I cannot remember.

I just know when I die this is not how I want to be celebrated.

...to hold forth and have a pained audience reply PLEASE stop! let it go!!!

I do not believe this is how Tuff truly wanted to be celebrated either.

His last story was prophetic.

Tuff had inherited a team of misfits and turned them into State champions! One day he'd huddled with his players in the locker room to tell them the time had come for him to move on. The brawniest and most talented disengaged himself from the group and pointed at the coach "You can't leave!" Several of his teammates began to mob Tuff in a group hug to a chorus of Don't leave!

Sadly, now an equally pained audience replied "please quit hitting the microphone leave! leave! leave!"

Tuff finally walked away from the podium. He looked small, awkward, confused. He sat back down and faced the crowd. The pathetic claps died quickly. Tuff surrounded in wilting carnations stared out...

Oh no what have I just done?

My point?

Due to the intense nature of suffering sustained while banqueting, I would like to offer you some helpful survival tips for your next formal occasion.

I’ve run the above experience through the SERE program--a U.S. military training program in event of prisoner capture and reverse engineered some survival techniques.

Here is what I’ve culled.

make fart noises with your chair
go for frequent bathroom breaks
carry a First Aid kit for cramps, anaphylactic shock
experiment with different underwear (might wake you up a little)
apply a Breathe Right Snore strip
bring massage oils & get friendly with your neighbor

Lastly, videotape the windbag and send it to the government for a possible alternative to waterboarding.

and always always always have an exit strategy.

Happy Monday,

Amanda
SERE- Special Dutiest

"If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist!"