new beginnings

Good Morning,

January marks 20 years since I sustained a spinal cord injury. I was riding home with a friend from school when a lady ran a red light and broadsided the car I was riding in two blocks from my home. I woke up in the backseat wheel well and watched all my efforts to stand produced one small movement. My arm slowly lifted and dropped with a thud hitting me in the face. Instantly, I was a C5-C6 quadriplegic. Thankfully, no one else was injured.

Although I have made a considerable physical recovery and peace with my circumstances, I am still driven to look for resolution to unanswered questions.

In the spirit of new beginnings, I recently had "Muffins with the Minister" at a new church.

Over muffins (and grapes I might add...)

I learned things like the difference between “orthodoxy” and “orthopraxy,” how religion spread across the American frontier, and why perhaps every Wednesday afternoon before CCD class we had orange drink and cheese puffs--the Catholic church does not rely on shared governance when determining matters inside the church body (I would've voted for a cookie!).

Perhaps this is why I never really asked further after the “swishy-legged” nun.

I’ve told the story before but it basically goes like this…

I was 16 paralyzed from the neck down when the “swishy-legged” nun walked in “swish-swish-swish” to my darkened ICU room. I could hear her panty hose as she waddled up beside me and smiled down with a kind grandmotherly face. I cried, "Why did this happen?" I apologized for whatever sins I might have done…sometimes I am mean to my brother…sometimes I like to act like a big shot…I mean sometimes I showoff in sports…

I cried, “Does God care?”

The nun responded,

Yes God cared. He was in fact there (at the scene of the accident). God was sitting atop a very tall building and he yelled down "I care for you Amanda!" but he was too far away so I couldn’t hear him...

What? This makes no sense!

Now almost 20 years later, I still couldn’t hear him but listening to Pastor Holly’s talk I thought I’d try again. After “Muffins with the Minister,” I asked for an individual meeting to get a Christian perspective on why this (a spinal cord injury) happened.

Well, my meeting with Pastor Holly did not go as expected. As is the way of today's on-the-go culture, we met at a Panera Bread and shared a Pepsi. If there's one thing I took away from the talk, it's this Pastor Holly has run a marathon and has an interesting way of eating an apple...(okay, that's two...)

As we sat outside at a table next to a busy side street, I watched as she pulled a plump red apple and a kitchen knife from her purse. Pastor Holly is a down home girl from Texas. There's a refreshing candor and earnestness when she listens and a pfffft (finger!) to the world when she gets down to business. Still, I was caught a little off guard as she deftly sliced her apple and tossed the seeds, peel, and fleshy extras over the iron gate...right onto the sidewalk!

I was ready to ask the big question “why did this happen?” (in Christian terms) when our conversation took an abrupt turn. “I really don’t know what to tell you (about your injury).” The gist of her reply was random, permanent debilitation yep, that’s a tough one.

A week later our discussion with my reservations and permission, ended up in the morning's sermon. Very strange to hear some of the most intimate details of your life shared so publicly. Thankfully, the sermon was long and my story served as an illustrative point not the main message. I'm not sure anyone in the congregation realized Holly was speaking about me and I'd like to keep it that way.

I think a common theme we share in our stories (yours maybe in coming out; mine mostly with adjusting to SCI) is suffering. I went to the Adult Education class after Pastor Holly’s sermon and a professor of theology spoke on this topic. Bob Mesle of Graceland University is talking about suffering in a way I've never heard it before and it really resonated with me.

Basically he says

When people are in pain (here we're talking emotional/spiritual) it hurts more if it feels meaningless. Therefore we can expect people in pain to look for meaning in it.

As spiritual seekers, we take two main Paths. The first is to look for the hidden meaning in suffering saying what happened is not really bad after all, because everything that happens to us is really God's will and therefore good. Using this logic I would say, I'm glad my spinal cord injury happened because "everything happens for a reason" and the lessons I've learned from it outweigh any of the problems or negatives.

Yesterday as I sat in line haggling with the Costco Pharmacist about trying to find my bulk order of Fleet, “Liquid suppositories!” I had to say. “Could you please go check on them in the back!” I had to wholeheartedly reject this conclusion.

The other path (WHICH I THINK IS MORE HEALTHY AND REALISTIC) is to acknowledge that bad things happen to good people (things God did not intend or predetermine) and what we CAN DO is create whatever good we can out of what is left.

This is the path I am choosing.

I know with a spinal cord injury I will never get an answer to the BIG why question. I believe there is no solace in continuing to look for the hidden meaning in religious leaders they aren’t really our faith, just humans with struggles like us.

Instead, I’d rather focus on new beginnings, what’s left in the life before us. In this way, I can live today taking comfort in joy and whatever good there is left.

And there is plenty…I found it today.

Across the crowded mall, I saw her. Her eyes lit up like the sparkling Christmas lights all around. With her one strong arm she waved and beckoned me forward. With her one strong leg she scooted her wheelchair my way. I didn’t know this beautiful stranger with the cotton white hair and bright red sweat suit but she knew me. Although unable to speak, when our footrests finally met her smile melted my heart and lifted me…

Yes, yes! Her eyes said. She grabbed my hand and nodded her encouragement. She nodded excitedly to my wheelchair then sat herself up straighter in hers. She shook our clasped hands “We’re doing it together! Keep going keep going!”

Yes, I promised her we are strong!

This January for me is a month of new beginnings…

So why did this, a spinal cord injury happen?

Let’s let go and together

Let’s live on!

Happy Monday,

Amanda